Things J. K. Rowling Could Be Tweeting Instead Of Insane Transphobic Stuff
Trying to write a new novel today, but I just love tweeting and talking to my fans! #Relatable
Okay, writing on hold for a little bit bc I lost my laptop in one of the rooms of the castle I live in thanks to my Harry Potter money. Wish Accio was real lol!
Maybe I’ll reveal some Wizarding World secrets! Ten years after going to Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy developed acute bacterial prostatitis.
Found some strange black mold in my house! Even though I hired a guy to clean all the mold last month. He said he’d be back today at 10, but he’s not here yet! Expecto Better Than This-o, Dave.
Going to shop to get some white vinegar for the mold. Fans found me on way to shop. Took pics with me and said: “I love you. Love that you haven’t tarnished your legacy by becoming a weird, paranoid lunatic online!” Found it a bit specific, but what do I know! I love all my readers! Even the ones who like The Casual Vacancy lol!
Professor McGonnagal once got sloppy drunk and sent one of those moving pictures but naked to Dumbledore. They never spoke of it again.
Okay, fans, back from shop. What is the best way to remove black mold from the ceiling? I would look it up on Google, but I like sourcing my own research from non-experts on this website.
Making some white vinegar and mixing some bleach and a gallon of water. Feel like I’m in Potions class.
Reminds me: Professor Snape’s favorite drink is MUG Root Beer. He tried it when he did a semester abroad in America.
Last month I got to see Merrily We Roll Along on Broadway! My friend Dan who is still in touch with me and likes me is phenomenal! Sure am glad I haven’t ruined my relationship with those kids.
Okay, turns out I am really bad at applying the bleach and vinegar on the ceiling and now my whole living room smells like bleach. Maybe I put too much? I’m definitely breathing the fumes.
Before becoming Voldemort, Tom Riddle had a side gig as a certified parseltongue translator.
Funny word that… translator. Trans… Trans…
Okay, this might be the fumes talking, but does anyone else phone pole ..dinosaur phlorshkfopp..
Well, that was a weird two hours. Dave, the black mold guy came back to the house and found me konked out from breathing the fumes. He took me outside to the massive garden in my castle. Dave saved my life. He is American, so in my next book I will name an American character in honor of all Americans. The name I’m thinking of: Huckleberry McRib.
That wasn’t even the weirdest part. While I was out I had the weirdest dream where people hated me because I kept sharing insane, unvetted pseudoscience on Twitter, but I was often mentioned in the same sentence as Elon Musk and Logan Paul. Yikers!
P.S. in those two hours I made 100 million dollars from the new show HBO is making about Harry Potter.
Ron Weasley had incurable erectile dysfunction.
Rotfl for real