Aliens Are Real! Maybe?
Last week, scientists at Cambridge University claimed to find “a possible signature of life from a distant planet.” Which surely has to be the most boring way to say you maybe found aliens. Of course, these are science nerds and so they can’t get carried away by saying they found aliens. They need stupid things like “evidence” and “facts.”
And look, the signature they found isn’t super exciting. They didn’t find like the tire tracks of a Dalek or even some old alien hut where alien sasquatch lives, they found… high levels of dimethyl sulfide, a compound that on earth is only found in sea algae and that makes algae smell. So even if you’re being super optimistic, we found aliens, but bad news: they’re stinky. Chances are aliens were always gonna be stinky. And it explains why E.T. wanted everyone to smell his finger.
Aliens have been on my mind for the past week because of this, and since I am in LA to promote my book, I figured this was a great opportunity to visit my favorite aliens for the first time: I went to the Star Wars parks in Disneyland.
**** QUICK BOOK PUB ASIDE ****
Also, if you’re in the LA area, come to my book event at Village Well in Culver City, this Saturday, April 26th.
**** OKAY ALL DONE ****
The Star Wars stuff at Disneyland was awesome. I drank blue milk, rode in the Millennium Falcon, considered spending too much money on a lightsaber but didn’t because I ended up spending too much money on little treats all over Disneyland, and overall had a great time because it was my wife’s first time at Disneyland. Which brings me to the point of this post! A few years ago, my wife wrote a post on her Substack titled 41 Emotions/Experiences An Alien Should Experience So They Understand What It Means To Be Human. It’s very fun and good. And in honor of the maybe stinky aliens and of my wife going to Disneyland for the first time, here is my list of the
42 Emotions/Experiences An Alien Should Experience So They Understand What It Means To Be Human
Opening a newspaper at breakfast and getting that waft of fresh newspaper smell.
Falling asleep on someone’s chest.
Hearing a dog do those little barks they do when they’re dreaming.
Having a cat choose you over the other people at a party.
Reading one of those lines in literature that make you put down the book for a second just to stare into space. One of my favorite is the last line in “Light is Like Water” by Gabriel García Márquez. It’s better in Spanish, but it still is very good in English. Speaking of…
Having an awkward but innocuous conversation like asking for directions with someone who poorly speaks your language while you speak their language poorly, as well. One of those where you both work really hard and end up understanding each other and laugh about it as you say goodbye never to see each other again.
Having really good orange juice. Like freshly squeezed. The real shit.
Scoring a goal. (can be any sport, but the fact that they are so rare in soccer makes it extra special to me)
Waking up after accidentally falling asleep and realizing you didn’t have anything else to do that day, so it’s all fine.
Having a beer after a soccer/softball/baseball/basketball game with your friends.
Going to a concert and listening to your favorite band play a song that you love that you were sure they weren’t going to play.
Listening to a stadium sing “Hey Jude.”
Being really bad at a team sport but it doesn’t matter because everyone on your team is also really bad.
Winning at trivia.
Getting absolutely destroyed at trivia.
Ordering room service while the other people in the work trip go to dinner or to a club.
A good hamburger and martini lunch. Especially if you’re playing hooky.
CRUSHING a meal that you made for your family/in-laws. My go to: steak au poivre.
Getting a delicious piece of gossip that your sister/best friend doesn’t know about yet so you know you’re gonna get to deliver it and they’re gonna love it.
Finding the perfect present for the perfect person two weeks before Christmas so you know you don’t have to worry about that.
Birthday karaoke.
Singing “Dancing Queen” by Abba or “Titi me preguntó” by Bad Bunny with all your friends at a wedding.
Eating a crepe in the streets of Paris.
Eating a street dog right in front of the Met on a perfect summer day on your first trip to Manhattan.
Getting almost caught making out somewhere you shouldn’t be making out.
Washing down a fresh donut with a swig of black coffee with no sugar or milk.
Getting soaked by a sudden storm on the way from the train/bus station to your house/apartment but it doesn’t matter because you know you’re about to be home and you can take a hot bath or have a cup of tea or something.
Having ice cream out of a tiny baseball hat at the ballpark.
Meeting someone for the first time because you all got put on the same panel or work event or class and realizing within minutes that you’re best friends now.
Being at a party and sitting next to someone SO SO SO terrible. So cartoonishly awful with such harmlessly terrible opinions that you know that your partner and you will talk about them forever.
Taking your loved one for the first time to a place you’ve been to before and you know they’re going to love.
Successfully crashing a party.
Watching a movie at a sold out screening on opening weekend.
Having the theory you posited while you were watching the first episode of a popular TV show actually happen, but not in a “I read the book first” way or in a “I read on Reddit that” way. Just watching the show, making a call, and seeing it actually happen in the last episode.
Making your mom/parental figure of choice proud.
When a new restaurant has your favorite kind of dessert and you didn’t even know.
Trying a new kind of food and being absolutely blown away by it.
Having a friend cancel the hangout.
Laughing at the same thing at an all-hands company meeting and realizing you have a work pal now.
Shit talking so hard in the groupchat during a zoom call that your friend makes you break and you have to hide that you’re laughing.
Performing in a play.
Eating a perfect mango at the beach.
Okay, that’s my list. Aliens, if you’re reading this, I hope you experience all these things. Since you’re all probably algae, I assume your list of things every human should do to understand what it is to be an alien is “utilize sunlight to synthesize Carbon Dioxide into Oxygen” which I’ve never done, but I hear good things!
Duds of the Week
As usual, here are the jokes I wrote this week that I liked but no one else did:
Jerome Powell quoted Ferris Bueller while talking about how bad tariffs are:
“The level of the tariff increases announced so far is significantly larger than anticipated. The same is likely to be true of the economic effects, which will include higher inflation and slower growth… As that great Chicagoan Ferris Bueller once noted, "Life moves pretty fast."
Uh, cute, but maybe not the best moment to start quoting a movie you like? That’s like a surgeon saying: “Ma’am, we tried our best but unfortunately the surgery was not as Austin Powers would say “Shagadelic, babyyyy.”
The Trump administration demanded that Harvard: “Immediately shut down any programming related to diversity, equity and inclusion.” while also “bring in an outside party to ensure that each academic department is "viewpoint diverse," — NYT”
Okay, so shut down diversity, but bring in a guy to make sure each department is diverse? Reminds me of those signs in the park that say: “Don’t feed the ducks… But let my weird nephew give them Takis.”
They also wanted Harvard to “report foreign students who commit conduct violations immediately to federal authorities — NYT”
Okay, let’s be clear: international students aren’t here to commit crimes. They’re here to get an education. And to stand paralyzed at the supermarket when they realize how many kinds of breakfast cereal we have.”