A Late Night Host Reacts To The Mencken-Jimenez Election

My pal Lizzie Logan and I wrote a stupid late night monologue

I watched last weekend’s insane Succession election episode, and I because I have a sick compulsion to write jokes, and because the only way I’ve processed the last two elections is to write jokes about it that go on the teevee for millions of people, I tweeted that I’d write the late night live show style monologue of the fake election on the show.

My pal Lizzie Logan responded to that tweet with a couple of jokes that would fit in this monologue because she is a genius (and she has a Substack fittingly called Lizzie Logan is a Genius.) So I texted her and we decided to write this monologue for a fake late night show in the world of Succession, complete with the way we think the audience would react to the host’s jokes.

SPOILERS FOR SUCCESSION S4 E8 I GUESS

So, here it is, imagine your politically inclined late night host delivering this to a tense crowd who just heard their universe’s Fox News declared a competent fascist the winner of an election.

MENCKEN ME SCARED!

Well America, we have a president-elect! Or perhaps a president-appointed. We all thought the fire in Milwaukee would be the biggest story of the night but I guess ATN decided that breaking the news was more important than Breaking News. 

The network wrote a headline and picked facts to back it up, declaring Jeryd Mencken the election’s winner…

(The audience boos)

I know. I know. I also want to reach for the “boooooooo-ze.”

I didn’t know you could just declare a winner before the votes are even in. I declare this show the winner of ALL the Emmys next year. Even Outstanding Children’s Program. Suck it, Paw Patrol. (muted chuckles)

Hey, ATN, anything else you wanna weigh in on prematurely? Winner of tomorrow night’s game? You can see the future, tell me, is the mole on my back a melanoma? Maybe you know the Powerball numbers? Could be handy considering how much your stock fell after that Logan Roy dip. (host pulls a face)

I don't wanna pick too hard on the Roy kids, who did just lose their father. It’s hard to cope with the death of a family member. When my grandmother passed away I went through this whole emo phase and pierced my eyebrow and I guess their version of that is hijacking the election, potato, potah-to.

Seriously, ATN is trying to let democracy die like it’s a dancer on one of their cruises. 

(The audience goes nuts. Lotsa clapter)

ATN is the only network to call the election, because they’re liars.  See, there is no way to call Wisconsin because of the Milwaukee fire. Which explains why the state hasn’t been called by PGN. Also because I’m pretty sure half of the PGN anchors weren’t there to report news since they’re too busy being offered at the PGN stoop sale.

 Can you believe they’re thinking of selling to the Roys? 

(The audience boos loudly and for so long, the host is a little disarmed)

You guys gotta let me tell the joke. 

(The audience finds this very endearing)

That’s like the Burger King naming his new successor: The Duke of Poison. 

The other networks also had their own reaction to the non-call call. Steve Kornacki started hysterically crying, Rachel Maddow lost her voice shrieking, CNN is just bragging that they haven’t laid off their touch boards.

And because of the fire in Milwaukee we don’t know the actual results of the election, which means The Evening Show is not quite ready to project a winner. But we are ready to project a loser: America. Oh, and Connor Roy.

(The crowd shiver with anticipation because Connor Roy jokes are always good. He’s been a mess throughout the whole campaign and they love when the host makes fun of him. Jason Segel played him in an SNL cold open and it was just okay, but this host has been killing it with the Connor jokes)

Can we take a moment to talk about Connor Roy? He got his ass handed to him. He didn’t even win Alaska, where he was overperforming. He lost Kentucky! Connor is proof that money can’t buy you happiness, and a hundred mill can’t buy you a single electoral vote.

But it’s good to see Connor was surrounded by his loved ones. Sorry, I meant loved one. Just one. 

He promised that THE CONHEADS ARE COMING. I believe we have footage of that moment: (quickly-made mashup of a game of thrones character saying Winter Is Coming but The Conheads are coming that plays well because for all we know Succession takes place during season two of GoT)

The so-called winner also spoke. In his acceptance speech, Mencken promised a return to something pure. Something innocent and untarnished. We get it, you’re our first Virgin President, congratulations!

(The crowd goes NUTS) 

Of course, it seems like the man behind this whole mess is ATN head Tom Wambsgans, a man who looks like what happens when Frankenstein gets Queer Eyed.

According to sources, he’s the one who decided ATN should prematurely call the election. We all know Wambsgans is going through a contentious divorce, so that’s why he called it for Mencken. Your wife can’t leave you if she’s too busy being a Handmaid. 

(The crowd goes oooooooh,but in a way that’s more like “oh, no. This is really happening, isn’t it?” so the host has to go like…)

I know, it looks bad, but it’s only one network! And you know you can’t trust them. They’re the guys who are so dedicated to news they also run theme parks. 

Seriously Waystar Royco, pick a lane. You can either do movies or news. Although, if Mencken is president thanks to the ATN call, I expect them to replace all voting machines with Kalispitron.

We have a great show for you tonight, when we come back I’ll be talking to Senator Gil Eavis and Fisher Stevens! And stick around for music from Capacious Bag!